car tuning

13 Aug 2007

Car Paranoia

We at Torquecars all take a pride in our cars, the question we need to ask is are we obsessive over our car? Some warning signs of obsession include waxing, vacuuming or potentially washing the car once a week. It is nice to have a clean and tidy car and I would be the last to object to someone cleaning their car, but to watch their expression as a bird targets their gleaming paintwork.

Then the rules start appearing, particularly when children are around.

  1. No Eating in the car
  2. Remove dirty shoes before entering the car
  3. Touching any part of the exterior including door handles is forbidden
  4. If you put it in you take it out again
  5. Windows must not be breathed on and wiping them with the hand is a definite no-no
  6. Shoes with buckles may not be worn (Leather seat paranoia)
  7. Buttons must not be pressed
  8. Switches must not be thrown
  9. No rubbish or refuse may be carried
  10. Ashtrays are strictly for coins only
  11. He will open the doors for passengers to protect the doors
  12. When children are playing football in the street he will keep his eye on them at all times

If someone else were to wash the car the paranoid owner will ask what cleaning products were used and then complain that there's a new swirl mark in the paint. He will insist on using a wool mitt to wash the car with a separate one for the initial, main and final wash process.

Taking this to the next level includes the driver that parks in the furthest bay from the shop entrance and then proceeds to walk for 3 minutes to the shop in order to reduce the risk that anyone accidentally or deliberately scratches their paintwork. If such a space is not available they will park across 2 bays diagonally to avoid the possibility of a car opening its door into the side of the car.

The same paranoid car owner keeps the car in a garage and only drives it when 3 separate weather forecasters have confirmed there is no chance of rain. Cars cared for to this extent usually are also driven very slowly for fear of getting a stone chip or worse still a scratch mark from a hedge. To liberate yourself from this harmful compulsion take the car through a safari and pause in the monkey enclosure. At first you will be extremely stressed and vexed but after 10 minutes you will be thoroughly cured of your paranoia until you get your next car.

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